Saturday, December 23, 2006

without you, i'm nothing

what rot!!!!!!

Monday, December 11, 2006

this post is about what Medusa is (not attributing some incorruptible core to Medusa or anything, but the way she generally behaves and etc) and what Medusa is perceived to be (once again, not assuming the author has a monopoly on representing public opinion on Medusa, but can hopefully claim to give a reasonably unbiased report). so in the public imagination, Medusa is this mature, independent, headstrong (are mature and headstrong antithetical? but never mind!) opinionated, quite sure of herself and full of herself too, person. even though the list of articles have a negative ring to them, in most of the public imagination, it is not necessarily so.
and what is the real Medusa? a doormat!!!!!!! (how anticlimactic, the readers exclaim!!!!) but it is true dear reader, not that truth in itself carries some great virtue, or there is something called a "truth in itself", but nevertheless, the mighty superhero is a doormat. and she likes to believe this doormat status is concealed under layers of huffing and puffing in self importance, but the fact remains (why so many stresses on facts and truths in this post?) everyone who has spent half and hour or more with Medusa, and has asked her for something or the other, knows of her inability to say no. therefore Medusa is regularly asked to travel to far away places to do some work for someone else, or to accompany someone to the diagnostic centre for some stupid test, which Medusa did get done by herself when she had to do, or go with someone for a film when she would much rather be sitting down and reading Benjamin.
and this inability to politely refuse something that will cause Medusa a lot of emotional and physical discomfort, leads Medusa to more discomfort, this time of the spiritual kind, in which her attempts at introspection always ends in self loathing.
but before this gets to that point, Medusa shall stop.

(dear reader, this post is clearly a call for you to write sweet comments and make Medusa feel better, so indulge her)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

fucking copulating insects

is the meaning of fucking the same as copulating?
or does it depend on the tone in which the title of this post needs to be read? the first word, that is , fucking in this case, is a swear word, which is used to describe the fucked up ness, or in bridget jones terms, the "fuckwittage" of the rest of the phrase, i.e. "copulating insects". that explanation over, this post is about the black insects that lie sit on the wall under the tubelight outside medusa's door, and the ones that enter her room in the dead of the night and scare the shit out of her.
after something like two and a half Weeks, medusa realized that both the insects are one and the same, and then for another half week she had to wonder why the inside insects are double the size of the outside ones. the answer, when arrived at, proved to be simple. the inside insects are actually two of the outside ones, joined together at the place where their asses should be, and flying away to glory, possibly copulating.
but the question the remains unanswered, why do they have to fuck inside medusa's room when they can do it outside as well?

Friday, November 10, 2006

five things about medusa

no one, and medusa means absolutely no one has ever tagged medusa for anything, and so it must be obvious to even the casual observer that she is at her wits' ends, not that it is too difficult a situation to achieve, now that medusa has PMS and terrible bodyache and is feverish and is madly depressed.
but that said and done, since dave has been the most regular reader that medusa has ever had,, how can she not do what he wants her to?
one however has to careful, otherwise five things about medusa might become a chronicle of her various ailments.
first, the thing  that has to be compulsorily posted:

'Remember that it isn't always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for, it can just as easily be something that you take for granted like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it.'

1. medusa measures time by the gap between two cigs, two mints, two trips to the loo, two sms and two gulps of water. by carefully spacing them out, she can spend fifteen minutes successfully without getting bored but not doing anything.

2. medusa has been in love with the same man for three and a little bit more than half years now, having fallen in and out of love with seven other people in the meantime. boy friend wants to get married someday, medusa however cringes at the thought. the cringing might not solely be the result of reading on family and its oppressiveness for the purpose of getting a thesis out of it. medusa just cant think of the time when this forever long distance relationship will actually take place in the same city, and the thwo of them will find time and place to be together.

3. medusa does not know how to cook. neither do her father, mother or sister (the four who constitute a modern day nuclear family). so without the presence of their housekeeper, who has been there for the last thirty years, medusa and her family would have gone hungry.

4. in class four, medusa started reading a book called "dui yaar er joto kando", a bengali translation of a russian novel whose english version would be something like "the adventures of two friends". the book was borrowed from a classmate, and she dint allow medusa to read beyond the fourth chapter. for two years after that, medusa searched for that book in all kinds of places. and finally found it at the end of Std. V. so as the two friends graduated from the 5th to the 6th Std, medusa did as well, and it has been her favourite book ever since.

5.medusa's orkut fortune of the day was: You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.

cant think of anyone to tag, simply because medusa no longer knows who all read this blog regularly anymore.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

let me not think of today untill tomorrow

Medusa used to think she has a disposition irreconcilable to unhappiness, she used to believe she is ontologically happy. and if everything else fails, retail therapy will always work.
but then, this naive superhero had not foreseen a day when there will not be any money to spend and PMS will raise its monstrous head, and despite her feminist objections against the discursive formation known as PMS, she will have nowhere to go.
this evening, therefore, Medusa sat down and rethought her ontological dispensation amid some free flowing tears. she was so depressed about being depressed, about nothing in her life, and in the lives of those around and connected to her, being right, or even left, that she just could not stop crying. and she hated herself for being depressed, for giving in to PMS.
bu then, something happened. there was new friend, with all the affection of the world who held medusa while she sobbed, and got her out of the gloom.
how anticlimactic no?
and in consequnce medusa hated herself even more for having to resort to outside help to sort out her messy head. adn a result, it is still messy.

Monday, November 06, 2006

we got this afternoon/ you got this groovy tune

as usual, dont knwo why medusa decided to name the post the way she did.
it has been a fucked up week. (kindly to be excusing medusa's language, she seems to be still under the fucking influence of "the departed")
one friend passed away, another was hospitalised. one's grandmum died, while medusa's is about to.
perfect time to end this post.

Monday, October 02, 2006


medusa needs to sort out her commitment issues. not just random commitments to people or to causes, since people have always told her that her level commitment to anything that has to do with other people is unusually and unhealthily high,but she seems to have a problem whenever she needs to commit to something that has to do with herself.
for example, her health, and her career and her studies. since at the end of the day the only person remarkably affected by these things is herself, she assumes that she can take it easy and not care enough.
take the case of something like this blog. this belongs to medusa right.....and she seemed to care about it enough to write about stuff that matter and dont matter to her. but of late, it has been noticed that medusa turns to her blog only when she is unwell, or upset.
but that is not fair to the blog, is it........

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006


as usual, the heading has nothing to do with the post to come, just that medusa has been listening to belafonte for the past hour and a half.
and shahzad roy, and pussycat dolls and robbie williams.
this post, instead could have been about medusa's friend hero, whose status message on gmail chat is "i hate this world". now hero is not hero because he is heroic, or vain or magananimous or any such thing, maybe he is just a bit tragic, but that does not make him the hero that he is. he is the hero and a hero just because (could have written 'why becuase', the favourite pharse of some asshole or another who have been frequenting the campus) he is nice. and so nice. and he is lonely. but the funny part of this all is that it is his loneliness that makes him do things when they promise some kind of companionship in return, and even when the promises of companionship are retracted and nullified, he continues to function along the same mode.
or maybe, he is not like this anymore. after all medusa hasn't spoken to him for a year or so atleast.
but isnt loneliness an incurable disease?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

getting a hold on life

Medusa does not think a blog is necessarily a public journal of your daily life, and therefore may or may not require anonymity, but what she does think however is this: every once in a while a space that is devoted to Medusa's ramblings can take the shape of her journal, in which she may. at times write down stuff that she has been doing or intends to do.
enough of a long sentence now.
so, let us have updates first?
Medusa has some kind of hormonal imbalance, high on testosterone, and since she has botched up her medications, she was quite unwell for the last couple of days.
but again, there had been a lot of tension in the campus, and Medusa seems to be unable to find any way out of it.
thankfully the tension seems to have dissipated somewhat, and Medusa has no excuse not to go back to her daily mundane life, or maybe establish a daily mundane life in which she will get some work done.
having said this, Medusa goes back to try and clean up the room and the cupboard, after which she will make a daily routine  and force herself to stick by it.

by the way, there was a snake in Medusa's room last week, a two feet long brown snake sitting behind the laptop, by the time Medusa found the snake catcher, it had however disappeared. for those who dare to ask, why could not, MEDUSA CATCH THE SNAKE HERSELF, Medusa has reasons to not reveal her identity to every random snake that gets inside her room without prior notice.

Monday, August 28, 2006


medusa is a  goldfish.
not just because she is fat and round, but because her attention span spans avout three seconds.
not very promising eh?
except when she is reading chick litt that, her concentration knows no bounds.
as a result of a freak boox exhibition and some unexpected money, the books that medusa has been reading for the last week or so are as follows....
the nanny diaries
the sisterhood of the travelling pants
coffe and kung fu
asking for trouble
the earth, my butt and other big round things.

needless to say, medusa has not gotten any work done for weeks now.
hmm, mabe the next post will be slightly more hopeful.
which reminds medusa, she is trying out email posting,let her see whether that works.

Friday, August 18, 2006


medusa managed to reach the "create new post" page of her blog after twenty or such days of coninuous struggle. a round of applause for the tireless warrior that medusa is.
and this is what she found on the first page of a notebook.
hey, i am much better now. you must have also been through these accidental/ sudden + great spurts of energy (this definitely is not my handwriting, maybe, i am not all right after all) during long illnesses. when the illness does not even appear to be a long forgotten shadow of a memory.
but there is a dull throbbing ache on the left hand.
love love me do
do not wallow in self pity
why would anyone sit and watch the dreamers on a day, rather night like this?
a thought just struck me. obviously it struck ME. who else would it strike for crying out loud?
but anyway, no more digressions (but only one- that this pen seems to have dramatically improved with a change in ink)
hey hey my my rock and roll can never die
there's more to the picture than meets the eye.

go understand!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

no blogspot in india, china and pakistan

strange set of countries to have arrived at the same decision regarding the accessibilty of information and anti-terrorist action and the freedom of expression. a secular democratic republic, an islamic country under the rule of a former army official and a communist state that is yet to wither away.
reflection upon the intricate natures of policy makers and the minute workings of power in the civil society of the internet does not reflect favourably on the disparate ideological affiliations that they lay claim to.
enough of hig sounding words. medusa however deems it fit to express her disgust at being denied access tro her and a lot of other people's blogs.
it is a different matter alltogether that she had been busy partying with semi known people and eating home food, and that half the world does not have internet access and that blogs more often than not (not withstanding the present exception of course) are pretentious pieces of shit, the fact remains that no one is forcing anyone to read anything.
therefore, be cool ISP providers of the world, medusa is certain you hold more power than any government directive.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

medusa has reached home safe and sound....has caught a cold and a cough and is suspecting the beginning of a breathing trouble.
among other things, her shady heterosexual love interest has been running a fever, so medusa can not meet him also to spend any quality time.
therefore it has been the sole company of the old idiot box....which has nothing of any importance whatsoever.
anyway bye now
medusa does not want to bore anyone with the stories of her boring life.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


medusa has finished all her work
so,there isno internet.
no books to read
no films to watch
medusa is sad and bored

Sunday, July 02, 2006



internet is back after something like four days....and blogger has allowed medusa to log in after heaven only knows how long.
ideally this should be a joyous occassion, but for the
argentina loss last evening.
medusa has supported
argentina for as long as she can remember, but has never watched them lift the world cup though.
and the way things are going, it doesnt seem like such a thing will happen in medusa's life time.
medusa takes a deep breath and lights a cig while contemplating what to write next.
o yes, more sorrow.
medusa spotted a white hair on her head today .
let us all maintain a moment of silence while medusa mourns the passing away of her youth.
but, all is not lost yet. medusa can still write witty and cynical comments about the world she yearns to enter but can not (oops did medusa confess to something?), and must exist forever as a not so mute spectator.
obviously, she is talking of the world of the hip and the happening.....
more later

Sunday, June 18, 2006

"brilliant tales of love, infidelity, passion and prejudice"

someday, my dears, this will be the way medusa's blog will be publicised.
everyone will try to take a look at this marvellous creation, but even though internet will be free for all, they will not be able to access medusa's blog, coz the server will be down due to overload.
i have no fucking clue why medusa chose to write the previous two lines.
it might have something to do with medusa's decision from now on to speak about herself in the third person.
after all, she is no less than ceasar is she?
or it might have been the urge to quote the blurb from a collection of stories by maugham, who seems to have taken medusa's fancy yet again.
it might once again, have to do with the fact that medusa woke up at the unearthly hour of eight thirty in the morning and did not know what to do with herslef.
it might, also, have to do with the fact that medusa and serendipiduous came on a telugu tv show, and they talked about same sex love, and were much appreciated.
for all of those who missed it, there will hopefully be more such occassions.
when medusa called up home to tell them about this feat, the mater asked why medusa supports something as unnatural as same sex love?
medusa thought it was prudent to not mention that medusa came across as a lesbian in the show, then all hell would surely have broken loose.
anyway, long live argentina.
the soccer team that is.
and hootie and the blowfish.
and orkut.
and party tonight.

Thursday, June 08, 2006



i want to praise you like i should.
j. k. rowling, this one is for you.
and the maker of memoirs of a geisha, you can happily go to hell.
funny thing is that i have no clue as to how is this post going to look. i dont know whether this whole thing will look like a hyperlink, and everyone will start clicking on it in the hopes of reaching something better.
so lets just post and see what it looks like?
among other things, medusa has completed her weekly illness, and is going out to party!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 05, 2006



i do not know what enmity has with me, but it is becoming increasingly more and more difficult me to access my blog. i mean i can read everything that i have ever written, and everything that everyone else has also written, but that is about it.
and i like my blog. i mean you do not really need to like it, but i do, and i find life without it pretty empty.
anyway, so what does medusa do to fill up those empty spaces and times? she watches films, films that she can not even understand. so today she watched mega star chiranjeevi's film tagore. obviously three years in telugu land has not taught medusa much of the language, so she had to guess her way through the film, helped by the plot summary at the back of the dvd.
anyway, this film is abut how chiranjeevi forms an anti corruption force, called the acf that kills corrupt government officials, and attains a demi god status n brings abotu social change.
but that is just the brief outline of the film, what you need to see is this nearing 60 man who is playing a larger than life role, whom even the gaze of the camera respects so much that he has mega star status screaming out of every pore of his body, he dances n he fights, he gives soulful lectures and makes you his fan.
i am a chiranjeevi fan and am proud to be so.
among other things, this director seemed to be capable of teaching tarantino a few things in the portrayal of graphic and gruesome violence. bones creaking everywhere and blood spurting. very innovative i must say.
obviously, medusa could not watch most of it......due to reasons known to herself and some of her blog readers.....and her film analysis prof.



i do not know what enmity has with me, but it is becoming increasingly more and more difficult me to access my blog. i mean i can read everything that i have ever written, and everything that everyone else has also written, but that is about it.
and i like my blog. i mean you do not really need to like it, but i do, and i find life without it pretty empty.
anyway, so what does medusa do to fill up those empty spaces and times? she watches films, films that she can not even understand. so today she watched mega star chiranjeevi's film tagore. obviously three years in telugu land has not taught medusa much of the language, so she had to guess her way through the film, helped by the plot summary at the back of the dvd.
anyway, this film is abut how chiranjeevi forms an anti corruption force, called the acf that kills corrupt government officials, and attains a demi god status n brings abotu social change.
but that is just the brief outline of the film, what you need to see is this nearing 60 man who is playing a larger than life role, whom even the gaze of the camera respects so much that he has mega star status screaming out of every pore of his body, he dances n he fights, he gives soulful lectures and makes you his fan.
i am a chiranjeevi fan and am proud to be so.
among other things, this director seemed to be capable of teaching tarantino a few things in the portrayal of graphic and gruesome violence. bones creaking everywhere and blood spurting. very innovative i must say.
obviously, medusa could not watch most of it......due to reasons known to herself and some of her blog readers.....and her film analysis prof.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

calling ghb

get in touch with me right now
left messages for u all over the place

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Reservations for A Better India

Hyderabad's first Pro-Reservation demonstration on Sunday, May22 at Indira Park. Here are the captures.

A little bit of techno stuff. The file you are downloading is a [.rar] file. Right click the link above and say 'Save link as'. After the file is downloaded you have to extract it and look for a file named 'default.html'. Open that file and you can navigate throught the whole collection.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

6 litres of toddy

what more to say
8 hours on the car
a hot hot village
a sweaty but beautiful wedding
nice food
great company
6 litres of toddy
medusa loves her life

Friday, May 12, 2006

Hate joblessness

I can not possibly say this without being hypocritical, but at least my joblessness does not harm/harass anyone else. Guess, however, what happened to my friend tootsie and five other women who had taken part in the sprite meet sania mirza contest that was organized by Times Of India, one of the bigger English language dailies in India.
so one fine morning at around 6:30 tootsie wakes up to a call from an unknown number on her cell phone. It was a man who wanted to congratulate her because she has won the contest.
and how did the man know her name and phone number? Because the numbers that the contestants had given to the newspaper for communication purposes, had dutifully been published along with their names.
and then it started.
there were on an average seven calls every ten minutes, from men who just wanted to congratulate, to men who wanted to make friendship and men who wanted to meet up and men who just wanted to fuck (after all, since your number was on the newspaper, you had no business acting coy about your availability). There were innumerable missed calls, and messages that asked her to call them back, to reply, to become good friend, to be my sweetheart and what not....
incidentally all of the calls were from men, who refused to say anything everytime one of our male friends said hello.
we yelled at them and told them not to call up anymore, threatened them with the police and actually took one of the calls to the nearby police station.
this guy had the galls to say, since something like two hundred people must have called you up already, why wont you talk to me yaar?
there are calls still coming in, from people who claim to be friends with india's biggest film director and actors, who have diamonds worth seventy five million, who are captains in the army and who call up because they have the same initials. When you ask them why do you want to spend money, they would say, don't worry I have enough.
tootsie alone has received something like 250 calls in three days, and 500 missed calls and I don't even know how many messages.
and each and every one of them were men.

the times of India however has so far had nothing to do to redress the situation.

Sunday, May 07, 2006


we have been having a lot of fun with orkut. serendipiduos n UG got to meet GHB, i talked to mizfit and all of us were thrilled to have found close talk. the fool on the hill and solan made guest has been two days /rather two nights filled with much laughter and joy and goofing around.
which reminds me of the serious prejudice i had against blogging and orkuting some time ago. i do not want to make people think that if you read my blog or my orkut profile you necessarily know me. but then i dont one anyone to think that they dont know me either. i mean after all there are many shades to one person right, and those who know me in non-internet life, need not be aware of medusa. and am hoping people who know medusa are happy without the outside me. and then there are the trusted few who have become blog buddies first and then real life friends.
however the way we are capable of going on and on about what is happening in the blog world, makes me often doubt as to what is real and what is not, which is not such a bad thing after all. i mean after being steeped in realist discourses all our lives, it is not a bad thing to take time out and rethink what is this real me that i need to show or to hide.
if in my blog people read what are suppsedly my innermost feelings then why would i be accused if exhibitonism? and even if i am, why is it necessarily a bad thing? after all exhibitionsim n voyeurism are perfectly natural parts of people's lives, and my love from voyeurism is directly attached to my need to gossip.
and gossip, my dears, is a very powerful challenge against patriarchal canons of knowledge.
so there.
have fun.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

orkut is a strange strange thing

i mean it is fine that you have this network through which you can keep in touch with people.
and i of all people should not be complaining about it, since right after logging in i found people i had been looking for years.
but then it is also pretty difficult, especially with the growing awareness of computers and suchlike among people of the parental category.
so while my profile in orkut used to say
sexual preferene: bi
smoking: regularly
drinking: regularly

it now says
sexual preference:

and all that because i found my cousin on line

Sunday, April 30, 2006

don't talk just kiss/ let your tongue fool around

there are no definite plans for this post. like there ever are, but it is good to pretend that medusa is this organised superbrain who has detailed plans for whole week's post to come and etc.
anyway, city and hostel are both terribly hot. the heat is tangible, if you move your hands around you, there is a warm humid feeling in the air, as if you are made to touch warm blooded reptile. there are pockets of respite on the road, but to reach them you ahve to mount an excursion that is equivalent to a lazy person's journey to the sahara. medusa's favourite past time these days is to feel the different temperature zones in her room and to manuevar herself so that the exposed parts of the body are in contact with the less warm zones.
anyway, too much of something is not always bad.
so medusa decided to turn the heat on by unleashing angelina on the blog world.
apart from such maundane ramblings, medusa is happy to note that she has finally sat down to study and has started writing as well. what rocks medusa's boats right now is the idea of "masquerade" as proposed by Joan Riviere (that smart psychoanalyst who freud and etc will not sleep with because she was so intellectual....) and then later on developed by many other film theorists. Riviere says that supposedly masculine women , in her world that would be intellectual and successful in a porefessional capacity, tend to overdo the tropes of femininity in order to dispel the threats of patriarchy. for her, this is a strategy for survival.
but later on, masquarade has been looked at as something that by being overdone exposes the made nature of discursive formations such as femininity and therefore is a threat to patriarchy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

gym gym gym gym

i have been quite ill. had my annual stomach upset and vomiting fits.....the hyd heat is as usual killing!!! so will not indulge in reservation controversies, l>t,hope u dont really mind the wait.
here is something about the only place that seems to make me happy these days.
When the cat's away, the mice will play:
Our paunchy gym owner/instructor was absent yesterday. and we had fun. i used to think that since we do not know telugu (the vernacular in hyd and in AP), the DUDE manages to oppress us, scold us, torment us and never say a kind word to us. it is my hypothesis that he didn't bother to learn niceties in english, realizing that barking oders at unwilling subjects of torture is all that he needs. at times he gives up verbal communication altogether. he smirks, grits his teeth and shows three fingers, implying "i know that you are cheating and have completed only three sets of this extremely gruelling exercise. but you need to do three sets and i am not likely to forget that."
therefore when his highness is away, the thin pretty boys group together in one corner and show off their camera phones to each other. the thinner boys try their hands (or other body parts)at the machines that they have so far been denied access to. the thin pretty girls flutter their eyelashes at the handful of hunks that we have been blessed with, and try to make conversation.
the hunks however put on their usual garb of unconcern and divide their time among heavily breathing in and out: trying to smell their deos as if, and admiring their magnificent muscles.
i try to ignore the mirrors, (very diff since they are everywhere) and pretend that the rolls of fat are actually not there. that i am not that ball of flesh that needs to be toned and done various other unimaginable things to...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

of maddening non maladies

first things first. therefore, clarifications. i did not write the poem in the previous post, as dave rightly pointed out, it is a song by abba. thanks for all the compliments, but i am acutely incapable of composing any poem, sad or otherwise.
hell, i am even almost incapable of feeling sad, so sad that you have to express your pain. i don't even hurt much, apart from at times when hurting is fashionable and makes great companion on lonely evenings.
have been reading politically correct bed time stories, but will not quoye any for fear that they will be attributed to me once again. (not that i would greatly mind).
let us talk about class then (that class which i attend because i have a cruch on the instructor, and suspect that she knows as much). one ma first year girl had to make a presenation on something, and since the course was entitled "identity and represntation", she decided to talk about the seven laws of spirituality, from zen to uri gellar...and said that she belives in them becasue all of them have a strong scientifc basis.
she also said that she is against reseravtion on the basis of caste or gender because even though she comes from a backward caste, she has never afced discirmination, and though reservation might be necessary in a pre-post graduate level, at the pg, it is highly unecessary.
it seems funny that this argument came the day after ambedkar's (the father of the indian const. and thought of as the greatest dalit national leader ever) birthday celebrations at the campus. have been hearing anti-reservation arguments for so long that now they cease to anger me, i just laugh and forget about it.
that is not the way i know, and one has to talk about reservation to the unwilling audience, but what i can not figure out that if i, for whom caste did not exist before i came here, can understand the arguments, they why can't people who have been racially, economically and culutrally deprived?
enough for today.
did this make sense though?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

One of us is crying
One of us is lying
In her lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead
One of us is lonely
One of us is only
Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself, feeling stupid feeling small

rain rain come again

and it rained.
and we were there, with full force to meet it.
we jumped and shouted.
threw mud and water on each other.
rolled on the ground.
soaked up the water.
someone not so wise said, "for the first time it feels so good to be wet"
well, as far as i know, it always does...

open your arms wide. look the sky in the eye. you hardly ever do that anyway.
smell the mud and the rain. smell the cig that will save you.
smell the sky.
it cries.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

a night without cigarettes

run forest run.
run for your life.
the on campus cig store might close.
it is closed.
i do not have a single cig.
what to do now?
all the night stretches forward, and you start to feel like the patient etherised on the table.
the night, obviously, does not care.
come back to your room.
get out again.
look for people who have at times borrowed cig from you.
can't find any.
wonder why.
o yes, you always do the borrowing.
change of strategy.
beg and borrow.
get non smokers to beg for you.
no one is around.
of course, they like to go out and have their fun.
change of strategy again.
is it worth it to go out in the night and maybe get abducted?
not much chance, but lets find our possibilities inside the campus first.
have you looked into the ashtray and the dustbin?
yes, they are empty.
now it is too late to go out even.
there is some pot.
but no tobacco.
go to sleep
but i woke up just ten hours ago.
what the hell...
ok, good night.

cig. haunter

Sunday, April 09, 2006

You can call me Al

boy and girl stay fifty feet away from each other, in adjoining hostels where there are absolutely no rules whatsoever about comings and goings....
but middle of the night both phones are engaged (free hutch to hutch calls might have something to do with it) and confused youngster asks a group of potheads , what can two people possibly have to say to each other for so long.
i have the answer....
they tell each other....

If you'll be my bodyguard,
I can be your long lost pal!
I can call you Betty,
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call me Al!
Call me Al ......

Sunday, April 02, 2006

look at the number of headings of my posts that start with I

and then anon asks me whether i feel as if i possess this "self" that i talk about.(ref: comment about the previous post)
obvously not, i do not even claim to know what is this elusive "self"hood or subjectivity that is mapped across the various discourses of power that i am (and this i is not a well defined and /or monolithic or even cognizable i)a part of or have been created by.
but does that mean one lets go of the carefully cultivated liberal humnaist notions of selfhood and individuality? especially since it is so much fun to pretend to do as much and the share a sense of subversion that can happen only from within?
*smirks* at her own supposed wittiness.
last night as usual was wild, with lots of whiskey and gin, good good good food and french cigarettes (the brand that godard smokes)......pretensions of being intellectual i tell you.
what followed was not half as happy as medusa might have wished it to be, but i suppose every once in a while medusa also feels like being sad just for the heck of it, because she has been too happy in her own happiness and seemed to lack the quintissential melancholia that everyone needs to experience every once in a while.

Friday, March 31, 2006

stoned post

i am so tired, what with the gym and the need to study (after dearest supervisor sent a really angry and sarcastic mail) and the general trauma of day to day life (i just said that, i do not really think that day to day life is a big deal afer all)......i feel like i am indeed already stoned, much before the pot has even arrived to the campus.
therefore i am going to write whatever i feel like and not care about the spelling or the grammar ( not that there is much of it ever) and write a stoned post.
i like drinking, and much more than that i like getting stoned, but i like it because i think that it is a great fun thing to do. and i do not like it at all when people drink because of sadness or any such malady that has been always represented as the only logical state of being in which such intoxicants can be indulged into.
hmm....enough of wise remarks.
in bengali (for the uninitiated, that is my mother tongue) there is a concept called "jnanpapi". "jnan" here is knowledge, while "papi" will stand for sinner.
so what it basically tries to say is that the "knowledge-sinner" is one who is fully aware of the implications of her actions, but does nothing whatsoever to change the state of affairs, no matter how harmful that might be for herself.
i revel in that state if being .
it gives me an immense sense of self possession and i feel responsible for my actions. after all, you always know what you are getting into, and you always have the chance to walk out, walk away, but you don't, coz u r responsible t yourself and etc....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Right said Fred

Going to the gym everyday, looking at all those men who strut around feeling important and sexy, i am certain Fred had said it right.
this must what all of them are thinking about:

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

Interestingly, none of the women, no matter how tall/ short/ fat/ thin they are, seem to carry a chip on their shoulders.

Monday, March 27, 2006

TA chronicles....

There are times when you feel that there has been an overload of emotions and experiences in your life. at times like this, the strange sequence of events and conincidences leaves you longing for something mundane, something ordinary, without surprises.
and then you turn to your students who impress with their lack of excitability. then you do not revel in the happenings of the last week and a half that has left you emotionally and physically drained...instead you faithfully reproduce what your student wrote and hope for a good laugh.

Kajol is one of the my heart throbbing girl. She has good looking and attractive personality. She has a glowing face with chubby cheeks and with large eyes. She has perfect nose with pleasent smile. She has black long hair but she looks good in plait. Even though she is dark but attarctive. Along with these features she has a good physique which according to norms. A very good dress sense of hers made me enthralled to become a hard core fan of hers.

This one is for UG, since my student shares her sentiments.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I Love my Love and my Love loves me

My graduation college teacher once told me this was the line her son was supposed say in a school play.
since then this line has been the defining expression that serves to illustrate the way of mind of all happily in love people, least of all me.
now, why this sudden plunge into mush, when this blog had stayed clear of it for so long (provided you do not consider wallowing in self pity to be mush)...and for the answer one has to look into a non-documented conversation between GHB and medusa, in which they agree to follow UG and MIzfit's example and write about LOOOOOOOOOOOOve.
Most probably i would have followed GHB's sexample and written about the most important person in my life, or about the innumerable curshes and heartbreaks that have not taught me a lesson yet. For someone who has been in a serious relationship for more than three years now, i do tend to fall for other people much more than seems to be regular. and go through the usual routine of pining, whining, lusting and getting over it.
but then, on Saturday, i watched this film by a famous Tamil director called Cheran, "Autograph". The film club had organised a Cheran film festival, and my observation of this director's world view is that, he belives, everything that could go wrong shall and should go wrong, and then some more. a total beliver in Murphy's LAw i tell ya.
anyway, so in this film, the hero falls in love with a girl from a traditional family, who is then married off and hero and his family beaten up and deported.
pining away to glory, hero starts smoking, and burns his chest.
concerned father: how could you do this Senthil? How have you started smoking?
Son: {silent, because when you are pining you do not speak}
Concerned Uncle to Father: What are you saying my good man? a man with a broken heart will smoke, dope drink and grow a beard. BE HAPPY THAT YOUR SON HAS ONLY BEEN SMOKING.

interesting observation indeed. especially since in the very next shot the son is shown drinking in a pub and then lying down sloshed in the middle of a market place.

But this brings me to my original topic, that is, "I love my love and my love loves me". and even that is not the case, i have never felt the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol, especially since drinking always seems to be such a happy thing to do. or dope.

so this is an open letter to the film makers of the world. kindly dispense with the usual scenes of drunken sorrow, make the pining heart eat chocolates instead.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Happy holi everyone...

for those who do not know, holi is supposed to be the festival of colours....And what is the connection of that to the pic above you ask? Ah well. This post is about the the shadow that falls between desire and duty, the ideal and the available, the divine and the human, the prosaic and the exotic.
I have to be like Cecilia, and last night/ morning when I went off to sleep, had a full intention of doing that as well. So when from ten in the morning unknown people started banging on my door and yelling my name in order to put colour on me, I ignored them for half an hour straight...And then had to give in to nature's call.
along came red yellow green and black, administered on me by people who were non recognizable with all the color on their persons....And I said to myself, ah well, what the hell!!!! You know you want to play holi, so just go ahead na......
even then the situation could have been avoided, but with the next rush of humanity came a raw egg that was broken and smeared on my hair and my t shirt....And some more colour on the teeth and inside the mouth....
the stage was set for a long long day of fun, food and dirt...Topped with bhang....(pellets that taste yucky but give you the greatest high of em all) and some pot.
the last time this body came in touch with intoxicants was two and a half months ago....
and the wait was worth it.
and then realize another day of my life is off.....Done with....Finished....The course work, however, remains where it was...No where that is.
that is why Cecilia....Inspiration after all.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Class Struggle

I have finally figured out what is wrong with my life. I mean I had to sit down yesterday and think hard for two three hours or more, not an easy task given that I intend to make a living as a thinker and am saving all my thinking capacities for later on.
anyway, the basic premise of this thought process was the knowledge that nothing has been going right inmy life since November, ok, lets not be so melodramatic and say that nothing has been going right, just that the course work that had to be finished in January is still left and that I haven't done anything that can even remotely be considered academic in quite some time now.
so what do smart people like me do when they are faced with a problem? They look for its cause. And when they find it, they also find a solution. Or atleast that is what it usually happens.
so I started by thinking what are the things that have changed in my life since November? I still have the most important people in my life: both BOYFRIEND and friends, (even though the last ones seem to be spending more time with an adorable puppy called simba than with me, but then such things happen).
I still smoke, so this is not an withdrawal syndrome, even though I don't think anyone has heard of an withdrawal syndrome that has lasted for four months.
I am still gaining weight, and have resigned myself to the fact that this is an irreversible process.
I have also been religiously falling ill once a month atleast, and in the last case have spent one whole month in bed.
so the only thing that seems to have changed is that I no longer have classes to go to. I don't have to wake up in the mornings anymore, I don't have to hide from adorable professors when I run out of excuses, I don't have to read for class and to top it all I can not bitch about stupid questions that I would have never asked in class because I am so smart.
now all my time is my own. Like the superannuated Charles Lamb, time hangs heavy on me . I can go wherever I want to and do whatever I like, all my time is MINE ALL Mine.
and I hate it.
and I don't do any work.
what is the solution?
suggestions anybody?
among other things.......Have a stomach upset.

i feel lonely

Funny thing this blog is. it was supposed to be this anonymous space where i could write whatever i wanted to, and not be bothered by what is it that i write becuase no one will know who i am, but ofcourse, i had to give that chane up, come to think of it there wasnt much of one anyway, since the blog was jointly created by three people though kept up by just me.
what on earth is this that i am talking about?
i need a class to go to.
i need to feel less lonely.
i need to know that the walls closing down on me are just illusions.
are there any illusions?

Monday, March 06, 2006

it rained a lot

there arent too many better feelings than the one of getting wet in the rain. everytime it rains it does not only cleanse the dust and the grime that had been accumulated through the rainless day, it also cleanses my soul.
i rush out with the first drop, and get wet. i soak up the rain drops, i look at the world through blurred glasses and smile like a silly fool who "sees the sun going down" and the eyes in whose head dont see much. i feel all the pent up angst of the day and night ebbbing away...take away my anger, my frustration and my even takes away my ennui
and the best part about the rain is that you can cry and no one will see your tears melting those of the sky, melting you and malting that block of sadness that often threatens to choke you.
you are overwhelmed.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

more on me (as if this blog ever talked abt anything else)

thanks for all the wishes you guys. and someone's wish did come true, but i dont really know whose wish came true, what was it that i was wishing for and whether what happened is good or bad.
so basically since my doc tells me tht since i seem to have vasovagal syncope i need to have a positive tilt test, i.e. i need to faint on the tilt table.
wait i already wrote this.
anyway, so even though i went thru the test with a damaged foot (n it did hurt) and suffered one attendant who pricked my hand five times before she cd find the right vein, and one doc who insisted i cant be older than a school kid (blush blush), i did not faint.
so maybe i have the syncope, but the test doesnt show it.
so what does one do? esp since this is the only test of its kind tht conclusive;y proves the syncope.
hmmmm i dunno.
btw, trivia: a tilt test in India costs 1500/-, which is abt 30 US dollars, while on in the US costs 1380 dollars.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


going for my test tomorrow...which to my great discofort entails fainting in order to be able to diagnose what is it exactly that is wrong...
and i thought that the problem was that i was fainting.
what else to report?
lethargy has taken over. do not want to do anything, least of all anything academic. even reading blogs seem to be too much of an effort.
but will do that now.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

hello blogger land

am at home.
am doing nothing important or interesting.
but the nice stick that i have been given is really cool.
what else, will write again later after catching up with the rest of the blog world.

Friday, January 20, 2006


This is a 1996 film by Cheryl Dunaye (who acts as herself in this fictional history) that sweetheart serendipiduous lent me.
The film is structured like a documentary in which a first time film maker Cheryl sets out to trace the life of a "nanny" figure in the 30's hollywood films, a lady whose name in the credit was shown as the watermelon woman. as she finds out more and more about this mystery lady, the audience finds out mroe about cheryl herself and her relationships and also the need that drives her to find out about this woman. we get to knwo about her friendships and relationships, and get to letch at the gorgeousness that she is.
her story somehow runs parallel to that of the watermelon woman, both lesbians involved in an interracial relationship, both attached to films and trying to find their feet in the film industry.
she raises questions about blackness and lesbianism, but they are not contested categories for her, they already are full fledged questions that from now on need to be articulated, and one of these means of articulation is the film that she has been making.
that the documentary mode of narration is another one of these devices which allows you to write your own histroy is what makes the film most special. what is this fine line between fact and fiction that needs to be maintained in order to be able to make a statement about one's identity?
she overlooks it, and gives us an enjoyable film in the process.
wish you were making more such films cheryl.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

i am going home

finally my parents lost all kinds of semblances of sanity, and almost ordered me home.
so i am going home coming monday, and not coming back for a month almost.
and why is it so? coz i apparently have something called "vasovagal syncope" and so need a lifestyle change.
any suggestions any one?
just in order to cheer myself up, lets have a dose of angelina.
i promise to post better stuff from tomorrow onwards, today the leg is aching to much.
i however have one of those box thingies now, which u use to walk when you cant walk. so am quite empowered.
but, walking with it is so slow that i usually carry it while hopping to the loo and carry it back again.
so now you know why my leg hurts so much.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Illness Chronicles Chapter three

We went to the hospital for tilt test today.
The physician in charge took one look at my foot (after me having paid 1500/-) and said, can't you stand on your feet?
i said no, why do i have a bandage then?
he said, then we cant have the test done.
me and frends were like, what fuck....why did u ask me to come yesterday then? after all you knew yesterday that my foot was sprained and that i was moving around in a wheel chair.
doc: go and get a refund.

i am sure we do not need a post script to say how frustrated and disgusted we were at the state of medical health in hyderabad.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Illness Chronicles chapter two

We woke up bright and early (at ten o clock in the morning), and managed to go to the loo by ourselves atleast once during the course of the day.
Also, had a bath on the hostel lawn, with two women and lots of water and me sitting on a chair like royalty.
But the greatest piece of entertainment for the day was to come from the neurologist that i went to meet.
the attendant wheeled me into his chamber, and he looked at me in my shorts, saw my hair and my bandage, and said "why didn't you walk in? why did you need this chair?"
my frends: "er...umm....she has hurt her leg....."
Doc...." on...."
Medusa: "blah blah "
Doc: Ok, get this "tilt test" done and then come to see me.
Medusa: o. By the way, does this have anything to do with smoking?
Doc: What? You smoke?
Medusa: (v v embarrassed) YA
Doc: How old are you?
Medusa: (please dont scold me, and i know u wd never ask this question to a guy) 24
Doc: That young? How many cigs a day?
Medusa: errrr.......10
Doc: Where did you get this habit from?
Now what can one say to that? so one kept quiet and ran away......

Sunday, January 15, 2006

illness chronicles chapter one

hello blogworld...and thanks a ton for all the nice messages...
the accompanying picture, as you must have guessed, is of my left foot. and the rest of the pic has my room, two pics of the boy friend and the back of another friend.
tomorrow i am going to meet another neurologist (since the first two that i met, kinda shooed me off and told me it must be something to do with the heart), and see what happens.
as of now, i hop to the bathroom thrice a day, and i have become so good in jumping on one leg that i regularly beat other people on a race to the loo.
my friends are the greatest in the wolrd, they get me food, keep a watch on me when i go to the loo (which is minimal since i have practically given up drinking water as going to the loo entails hopping a hundred meters on one leg, getting the artificial comode attachment in place then do stuff and then wash it and put it back and hop back...that too bare feet), and then generally keep me entertained thru the day and sleep in my room in the night.
i also am the filthiest being on the planet right now, and so they plan to hose me down in the garden tomorrow.
till then, bye bye....

Friday, January 13, 2006

Fainted thrice and have severe soft tissue damage on the foot

am not kidding, this is exactly my state of being. last night right before dinner i fainted and fell on the floor and cut my hand and sprained my ankle, and then got back on my feet and fainted again and then a third time.
the doc think it could be a cardio vasculra thing, and have to get tests done next week. in the mean time can not put my foot on the floor, and so have to be on bed rest for three weeks.
life is hell.
i am not too traumatised though, coz fainting for me is a pretty importatnt part of life, i keep on doing that, and keep on scaring the shit out of poor unsuspecting individuals.
accha bye for now, see you gusy later, since i am confined to my room, i expect lots of comments and encouragement.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Monday, January 09, 2006

film analysis

this is what i have been up to over the last twenty four hours....watching and disliking films that have nothing to do with the papers that i have to write and that are due in less than a week's time...
Did not like "Be Cool" at all, even though John Travolta was way too cool getting a deserving yet under-exposed singing sensation her true rights...he was all over the place, dancing with uma thurman and playing clever tricks with the pawn cards..but this ffilm is almost impossible to understand if you have not watched "get shorty:, and since i hadn't, i suppose i should better reserve my comments. the rock was way too cool for words though.
"History of violence" is definitely not a film worth viewing. and i am absolutely serious. not because i can not watch violence on screen, but because this film should have ended half and hour or more before it actually did. according to the dvd cover, this film is about one guy who shoots some bad guys trying to protect his family and job etc, and then is mistaken as someone else by some gangsters. one can only dream of what the film could have become if Viggo Mortensen (looking gross, a huge let down after Lord of the rings) was actually not the guy thses people were claiming he is. but he had to be, because the direcor was hoping for some subtle psychological drama that definitely eluded the likes of me who are as of now fully steeped in film theory. but the sex scenes were great.
"Taking Lives" was definitely the best of the lot, though medusa is proud to say that she is now a competent reader of the filmic narrative. there were some unncessary twists and turns, ones that were not important, and did not serve any purpose. but what the hell. Angelina Jolie was looking good, and that is an understatement.
so now i shall go back to not studying.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

this is what i look like right now. the photo is courtesy boomshak while the hair is tootsie's contribution.
among other things, am going to sit down and start studying as soon as i finish looking through everyone's blog.
task for the week:: analyse MIss Congeneality, Legally Blonde, Legally Blonde 2, 9 to 5, and Pretty Woman.
and yes, Happy New Year