stoned post

i am so tired, what with the gym and the need to study (after dearest supervisor sent a really angry and sarcastic mail) and the general trauma of day to day life (i just said that, i do not really think that day to day life is a big deal afer all)......i feel like i am indeed already stoned, much before the pot has even arrived to the campus.
therefore i am going to write whatever i feel like and not care about the spelling or the grammar ( not that there is much of it ever) and write a stoned post.
i like drinking, and much more than that i like getting stoned, but i like it because i think that it is a great fun thing to do. and i do not like it at all when people drink because of sadness or any such malady that has been always represented as the only logical state of being in which such intoxicants can be indulged into.
hmm....enough of wise remarks.
in bengali (for the uninitiated, that is my mother tongue) there is a concept called "jnanpapi". "jnan" here is knowledge, while "papi" will stand for sinner.
so what it basically tries to say is that the "knowledge-sinner" is one who is fully aware of the implications of her actions, but does nothing whatsoever to change the state of affairs, no matter how harmful that might be for herself.
i revel in that state if being .
it gives me an immense sense of self possession and i feel responsible for my actions. after all, you always know what you are getting into, and you always have the chance to walk out, walk away, but you don't, coz u r responsible t yourself and etc....

Right said Fred

Going to the gym everyday, looking at all those men who strut around feeling important and sexy, i am certain Fred had said it right.
this must what all of them are thinking about:

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

Interestingly, none of the women, no matter how tall/ short/ fat/ thin they are, seem to carry a chip on their shoulders.

TA chronicles....

There are times when you feel that there has been an overload of emotions and experiences in your life. at times like this, the strange sequence of events and conincidences leaves you longing for something mundane, something ordinary, without surprises.
and then you turn to your students who impress with their lack of excitability. then you do not revel in the happenings of the last week and a half that has left you emotionally and physically drained...instead you faithfully reproduce what your student wrote and hope for a good laugh.

Kajol is one of the my heart throbbing girl. She has good looking and attractive personality. She has a glowing face with chubby cheeks and with large eyes. She has perfect nose with pleasent smile. She has black long hair but she looks good in plait. Even though she is dark but attarctive. Along with these features she has a good physique which according to norms. A very good dress sense of hers made me enthralled to become a hard core fan of hers.

This one is for UG, since my student shares her sentiments.

I Love my Love and my Love loves me

My graduation college teacher once told me this was the line her son was supposed say in a school play.
since then this line has been the defining expression that serves to illustrate the way of mind of all happily in love people, least of all me.
now, why this sudden plunge into mush, when this blog had stayed clear of it for so long (provided you do not consider wallowing in self pity to be mush)...and for the answer one has to look into a non-documented conversation between GHB and medusa, in which they agree to follow UG and MIzfit's example and write about LOOOOOOOOOOOOve.
Most probably i would have followed GHB's sexample and written about the most important person in my life, or about the innumerable curshes and heartbreaks that have not taught me a lesson yet. For someone who has been in a serious relationship for more than three years now, i do tend to fall for other people much more than seems to be regular. and go through the usual routine of pining, whining, lusting and getting over it.
but then, on Saturday, i watched this film by a famous Tamil director called Cheran, "Autograph". The film club had organised a Cheran film festival, and my observation of this director's world view is that, he belives, everything that could go wrong shall and should go wrong, and then some more. a total beliver in Murphy's LAw i tell ya.
anyway, so in this film, the hero falls in love with a girl from a traditional family, who is then married off and hero and his family beaten up and deported.
pining away to glory, hero starts smoking, and burns his chest.
concerned father: how could you do this Senthil? How have you started smoking?
Son: {silent, because when you are pining you do not speak}
Concerned Uncle to Father: What are you saying my good man? a man with a broken heart will smoke, dope drink and grow a beard. BE HAPPY THAT YOUR SON HAS ONLY BEEN SMOKING.


interesting observation indeed. especially since in the very next shot the son is shown drinking in a pub and then lying down sloshed in the middle of a market place.


But this brings me to my original topic, that is, "I love my love and my love loves me". and even that is not the case, i have never felt the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol, especially since drinking always seems to be such a happy thing to do. or dope.

so this is an open letter to the film makers of the world. kindly dispense with the usual scenes of drunken sorrow, make the pining heart eat chocolates instead.

Happy holi everyone...

for those who do not know, holi is supposed to be the festival of colours....And what is the connection of that to the pic above you ask? Ah well. This post is about the the shadow that falls between desire and duty, the ideal and the available, the divine and the human, the prosaic and the exotic.
I have to be like Cecilia, and last night/ morning when I went off to sleep, had a full intention of doing that as well. So when from ten in the morning unknown people started banging on my door and yelling my name in order to put colour on me, I ignored them for half an hour straight...And then had to give in to nature's call.
along came red yellow green and black, administered on me by people who were non recognizable with all the color on their persons....And I said to myself, ah well, what the hell!!!! You know you want to play holi, so just go ahead na......
even then the situation could have been avoided, but with the next rush of humanity came a raw egg that was broken and smeared on my hair and my t shirt....And some more colour on the teeth and inside the mouth....
the stage was set for a long long day of fun, food and dirt...Topped with bhang....(pellets that taste yucky but give you the greatest high of em all) and some pot.
sigh.
the last time this body came in touch with intoxicants was two and a half months ago....
and the wait was worth it.
smile....
and then realize another day of my life is off.....Done with....Finished....The course work, however, remains where it was...No where that is.
that is why Cecilia....Inspiration after all.

Class Struggle

I have finally figured out what is wrong with my life. I mean I had to sit down yesterday and think hard for two three hours or more, not an easy task given that I intend to make a living as a thinker and am saving all my thinking capacities for later on.
anyway, the basic premise of this thought process was the knowledge that nothing has been going right inmy life since November, ok, lets not be so melodramatic and say that nothing has been going right, just that the course work that had to be finished in January is still left and that I haven't done anything that can even remotely be considered academic in quite some time now.
so what do smart people like me do when they are faced with a problem? They look for its cause. And when they find it, they also find a solution. Or atleast that is what it usually happens.
so I started by thinking what are the things that have changed in my life since November? I still have the most important people in my life: both BOYFRIEND and friends, (even though the last ones seem to be spending more time with an adorable puppy called simba than with me, but then such things happen).
I still smoke, so this is not an withdrawal syndrome, even though I don't think anyone has heard of an withdrawal syndrome that has lasted for four months.
I am still gaining weight, and have resigned myself to the fact that this is an irreversible process.
I have also been religiously falling ill once a month atleast, and in the last case have spent one whole month in bed.
so the only thing that seems to have changed is that I no longer have classes to go to. I don't have to wake up in the mornings anymore, I don't have to hide from adorable professors when I run out of excuses, I don't have to read for class and to top it all I can not bitch about stupid questions that I would have never asked in class because I am so smart.
now all my time is my own. Like the superannuated Charles Lamb, time hangs heavy on me . I can go wherever I want to and do whatever I like, all my time is MINE ALL Mine.
and I hate it.
and I don't do any work.
so....
what is the solution?
suggestions anybody?
among other things.......Have a stomach upset.
sigh.

i feel lonely

Funny thing this blog is. it was supposed to be this anonymous space where i could write whatever i wanted to, and not be bothered by what is it that i write becuase no one will know who i am, but ofcourse, i had to give that chane up, come to think of it there wasnt much of one anyway, since the blog was jointly created by three people though kept up by just me.
what on earth is this that i am talking about?
i need a class to go to.
i need to feel less lonely.
i need to know that the walls closing down on me are just illusions.
are there any illusions?

it rained a lot

there arent too many better feelings than the one of getting wet in the rain. everytime it rains it does not only cleanse the dust and the grime that had been accumulated through the rainless day, it also cleanses my soul.
i rush out with the first drop, and get wet. i soak up the rain drops, i look at the world through blurred glasses and smile like a silly fool who "sees the sun going down" and the eyes in whose head dont see much. i feel all the pent up angst of the day and night ebbbing away...take away my anger, my frustration and my sadness......it even takes away my ennui
and the best part about the rain is that you can cry and no one will notice...you see your tears melting those of the sky, melting you and malting that block of sadness that often threatens to choke you.
you are overwhelmed.

more on me (as if this blog ever talked abt anything else)

thanks for all the wishes you guys. and someone's wish did come true, but i dont really know whose wish came true, what was it that i was wishing for and whether what happened is good or bad.
so basically since my doc tells me tht since i seem to have vasovagal syncope i need to have a positive tilt test, i.e. i need to faint on the tilt table.
wait i already wrote this.
anyway, so even though i went thru the test with a damaged foot (n it did hurt) and suffered one attendant who pricked my hand five times before she cd find the right vein, and one doc who insisted i cant be older than a school kid (blush blush), i did not faint.
so maybe i have the syncope, but the test doesnt show it.
so what does one do? esp since this is the only test of its kind tht conclusive;y proves the syncope.
hmmmm i dunno.
btw, trivia: a tilt test in India costs 1500/-, which is abt 30 US dollars, while on in the US costs 1380 dollars.
rejoice.

hiya

going for my test tomorrow...which to my great discofort entails fainting in order to be able to diagnose what is it exactly that is wrong...
:-0
and i thought that the problem was that i was fainting.
sigh!!!!!
what else to report?
lethargy has taken over. do not want to do anything, least of all anything academic. even reading blogs seem to be too much of an effort.
but will do that now.
:-0

hello blogger land

hmmmm
am at home.
am doing nothing important or interesting.
but the nice stick that i have been given is really cool.
what else, will write again later after catching up with the rest of the blog world.

THE WATERMELON WOMAN

This is a 1996 film by Cheryl Dunaye (who acts as herself in this fictional history) that sweetheart serendipiduous lent me.
The film is structured like a documentary in which a first time film maker Cheryl sets out to trace the life of a "nanny" figure in the 30's hollywood films, a lady whose name in the credit was shown as the watermelon woman. as she finds out more and more about this mystery lady, the audience finds out mroe about cheryl herself and her relationships and also the need that drives her to find out about this woman. we get to knwo about her friendships and relationships, and get to letch at the gorgeousness that she is.
her story somehow runs parallel to that of the watermelon woman, both lesbians involved in an interracial relationship, both attached to films and trying to find their feet in the film industry.
she raises questions about blackness and lesbianism, but they are not contested categories for her, they already are full fledged questions that from now on need to be articulated, and one of these means of articulation is the film that she has been making.
that the documentary mode of narration is another one of these devices which allows you to write your own histroy is what makes the film most special. what is this fine line between fact and fiction that needs to be maintained in order to be able to make a statement about one's identity?
she overlooks it, and gives us an enjoyable film in the process.
wish you were making more such films cheryl.

i am going home

finally my parents lost all kinds of semblances of sanity, and almost ordered me home.
so i am going home coming monday, and not coming back for a month almost.
and why is it so? coz i apparently have something called "vasovagal syncope" and so need a lifestyle change.
any suggestions any one?
just in order to cheer myself up, lets have a dose of angelina.
i promise to post better stuff from tomorrow onwards, today the leg is aching to much.
i however have one of those box thingies now, which u use to walk when you cant walk. so am quite empowered.
but, walking with it is so slow that i usually carry it while hopping to the loo and carry it back again.
so now you know why my leg hurts so much.

Illness Chronicles Chapter three

We went to the hospital for tilt test today.
The physician in charge took one look at my foot (after me having paid 1500/-) and said, can't you stand on your feet?
i said no, why do i have a bandage then?
he said, then we cant have the test done.
me and frends were like, what fuck....why did u ask me to come yesterday then? after all you knew yesterday that my foot was sprained and that i was moving around in a wheel chair.
doc: go and get a refund.


i am sure we do not need a post script to say how frustrated and disgusted we were at the state of medical health in hyderabad.
bastards!!!!!!!

Illness Chronicles chapter two

We woke up bright and early (at ten o clock in the morning), and managed to go to the loo by ourselves atleast once during the course of the day.
Also, had a bath on the hostel lawn, with two women and lots of water and me sitting on a chair like royalty.
But the greatest piece of entertainment for the day was to come from the neurologist that i went to meet.
the attendant wheeled me into his chamber, and he looked at me in my shorts, saw my hair and my bandage, and said "why didn't you walk in? why did you need this chair?"
my frends: "er...umm....she has hurt her leg....."
Doc...." O....so....go on...."
Medusa: "blah blah "
Doc: Ok, get this "tilt test" done and then come to see me.
Medusa: o. By the way, does this have anything to do with smoking?
Doc: What? You smoke?
Medusa: (v v embarrassed) YA
Doc: How old are you?
Medusa: (please dont scold me, and i know u wd never ask this question to a guy) 24
Doc: That young? How many cigs a day?
Medusa: errrr.......10
Doc: Where did you get this habit from?
Now what can one say to that? so one kept quiet and ran away......

illness chronicles chapter one

hello blogworld...and thanks a ton for all the nice messages...
the accompanying picture, as you must have guessed, is of my left foot. and the rest of the pic has my room, two pics of the boy friend and the back of another friend.
tomorrow i am going to meet another neurologist (since the first two that i met, kinda shooed me off and told me it must be something to do with the heart), and see what happens.
as of now, i hop to the bathroom thrice a day, and i have become so good in jumping on one leg that i regularly beat other people on a race to the loo.
my friends are the greatest in the wolrd, they get me food, keep a watch on me when i go to the loo (which is minimal since i have practically given up drinking water as going to the loo entails hopping a hundred meters on one leg, getting the artificial comode attachment in place then do stuff and then wash it and put it back and hop back...that too bare feet), and then generally keep me entertained thru the day and sleep in my room in the night.
i also am the filthiest being on the planet right now, and so they plan to hose me down in the garden tomorrow.
till then, bye bye....

Fainted thrice and have severe soft tissue damage on the foot

am not kidding, this is exactly my state of being. last night right before dinner i fainted and fell on the floor and cut my hand and sprained my ankle, and then got back on my feet and fainted again and then a third time.
the doc think it could be a cardio vasculra thing, and have to get tests done next week. in the mean time can not put my foot on the floor, and so have to be on bed rest for three weeks.
life is hell.
i am not too traumatised though, coz fainting for me is a pretty importatnt part of life, i keep on doing that, and keep on scaring the shit out of poor unsuspecting individuals.
accha bye for now, see you gusy later, since i am confined to my room, i expect lots of comments and encouragement.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

film analysis

this is what i have been up to over the last twenty four hours....watching and disliking films that have nothing to do with the papers that i have to write and that are due in less than a week's time...
Did not like "Be Cool" at all, even though John Travolta was way too cool getting a deserving yet under-exposed singing sensation her true rights...he was all over the place, dancing with uma thurman and playing clever tricks with the pawn cards..but this ffilm is almost impossible to understand if you have not watched "get shorty:, and since i hadn't, i suppose i should better reserve my comments. the rock was way too cool for words though.
"History of violence" is definitely not a film worth viewing. and i am absolutely serious. not because i can not watch violence on screen, but because this film should have ended half and hour or more before it actually did. according to the dvd cover, this film is about one guy who shoots some bad guys trying to protect his family and job etc, and then is mistaken as someone else by some gangsters. one can only dream of what the film could have become if Viggo Mortensen (looking gross, a huge let down after Lord of the rings) was actually not the guy thses people were claiming he is. but he had to be, because the direcor was hoping for some subtle psychological drama that definitely eluded the likes of me who are as of now fully steeped in film theory. but the sex scenes were great.
"Taking Lives" was definitely the best of the lot, though medusa is proud to say that she is now a competent reader of the filmic narrative. there were some unncessary twists and turns, ones that were not important, and did not serve any purpose. but what the hell. Angelina Jolie was looking good, and that is an understatement.
so now i shall go back to not studying.

this is what i look like right now. the photo is courtesy boomshak while the hair is tootsie's contribution.
among other things, am going to sit down and start studying as soon as i finish looking through everyone's blog.
task for the week:: analyse MIss Congeneality, Legally Blonde, Legally Blonde 2, 9 to 5, and Pretty Woman.
and yes, Happy New Year